Our paths might be different right now…
Maybe we will meet again in many years or not at all this lifetime…but my love will always be by your side…
You are a part of me and I am a part of you.
You have been and will always be in my soul…
What do you do when the person that you love says they don’t love you in the same way?
Well, first you cry because your heart that was so very open is probably beginning to shut down…but if you put your hands on your heart and breathe…feel everything…then allow yourself to stay open…something amazing happens…you can begin to heal in that moment. Remind your heart how much you much you love it and that you are going to be ok. You are safe and you are loved.
Begin to bring yourself back from them and into you. This means breathing your energy, that had been flowing so strongly to this other person back into your own body and then returning their energy back to them. This is not always easy…The comforting feeling of your lovers energy probably feels like home…you think that if you let go of this energy this person and this feeling of loving home will be lost to you forever…but it’s not true.
The people you have loved…all of them…are always going to be connected to you. You can cut a million energy cords and do many rituals to try to stop thinking of them, but in the end we are all connected, all of us. Some of us share stronger bonds than others, but all of us are connected by threads of love that might be turned down, but they never go away.
The main thing to remember during this time is that you are not alone. The loneliness that you might feel is your own self thinking that if this person doesn’t love you, that you are not worthy of love. It is your job as caretaker of your beautiful body and soul to now nurture this being of love called You. You need to take over the role of lover now. You need to love and nurture this lovely one and let her know that you believe in her worth. You believe she is good enough, strong enough and worthy of love. Tell her all of the things she was wanting to hear from the other person…give her the soft touches and comfort of love that she has been craving. You know her better than anyone else…take this time to show her how to stay open to love…even during this time when love seems like it is going away, remind her that it is still right here…it might not be easy, but you can do this. You can begin to establish a loving relationship with you again.
In loving another we often lose our sense and love of self, but during this vulnerable time when the heart is most open you can use it to go deeper in a loving relationship with yourself. Listen to loving music and sing yourself love songs. Take yourself out on dates. Dance with yourself. Allow your hands to loving feel your entire body, like a lover would, from head to toe and awaken your body’s energy. Breathe into the places that are unfeeling and invite them to feel again. This is all part of reminding yourself that you are safe and you are loved whether you have a partner or not. This relationship that you have with your body is the first and last relationship you will ever have so you might as well make it a good one.
It takes courage to keep an open heart when it seems like love is going away, but if you love yourself…truly love yourself like you would a lover…then it will be an easier transition and maybe you might find that the love you thought was going away…never actually changed…but your relationship to you had…and now you have the gift of being able to open up to you again which will allow you to open up to an even greater love you had ever thought possible…
The flight was long..I wasn’t really able to get much sleep…I don’t think I slept very much for a week actually.
But I finally landed and caught a cab to my mom’s place. My mom was very happy to see me and I was glad to be with her.
When I was at the airport a man mentioned that I should look up someone in Chicago that treats this sort of thing. Chicago is a major place for many things, someone has to know about it. I looked on line and found a specialist who is the director of the Rush Hospital Infectious Disease Center.
I called the next day and got an appointment the next day. The doctor called me back actually which I found really amazing. He was very nice and interested in my case.
My mom and I drove into the city the next day and the doctor confirmed that it was indeed Leish, but we had to get it tested and the next appointment for testing was in a week. He took a picture of it and sent me on my way.
That night my mom started to complain of pains on her side. She said that she might need to go to the hospital so we called the ambulance. That night she was admitted into the hospital.
For the next few days they ran test after test and in the end they sent her home because they just weren’t sure what the problem was.
Everyday I was holding space for my mom and also for Rob who has to take a bus and a train everyday round trip 3 hours to get his treatment. It’s been hard being away from Rob during all of this. I get emotional and sad and it’s not helpful for him…
My mom is home now, feeling better and we are working on a healthy way of eating and living.
Rob has 8 more days of treatment and is feeling tired.
I got tested last week and I find out what species of Leish I have on Thursday. My lesion is healing, which could be a good thing or not depending on what type of Leish I have. Basically if I have Mexicana it will heal on it’s own and I won’t need treatment and if I have Braziliana then I will need treatment. Rob has been getting treatment for it even though they don’t know what kind he has, but in America the CDC won’t release the medication unless the result comes back positive for the Brazillian species.
I have been up and down and have been very thankful for the love and support of all of my friends and family and Rob’s friends and family. I feel like we are supported and loved by so many.
Now all I have to do is start taking care of myself…It’s been easy to put all of my love and focus into Rob and my mom, but now it is time to turn within and start my own healing process….
The resort was a bird sanctuary. Many people would come there from all over the world to take pictures of these beautiful exotic birds. They gave our own cabana with a beautiful white cover and white drapes on windows. It had been something I had been dreaming about during our grungy camping days and here it was showing up in our lives…How does it get any better than that?
The next day we started our work. Rob was asked to help with the Organic farm they wanted to start and also helping with food preparation in the kitchen. I was helping with cleaning out the cabanas and doing laundry.
The people who ran this place had a string of people who were not good workers, so their hopes for us were somewhat low. They gave me a job of cleaning out this massive space without any assistance or guidance as to how they wanted it done. It took the whole day pretty much and after I was done I was pretty sure that I had made a mistake in choosing this life…
Each day I was to clean out another room and do more laundry. I was increasingly becoming more sad because what I really wanted to be doing was workshops or teleclasses. I wanted to be doing healing and coaching sessions with people, but I was here doing house cleaning. Rob enjoyed the farm work and the helping in the kitchen, but the days were long, we would start at 6:30am and not finish until 11pm after dinner clean up. Eventually we realized that this was not the place for us and I found us another place to volunteer close to the Guatemala border.