I have been receiving a lot of deep energetic healing lately as well as massage sessions as I go through this meditation process…
Yesterday as I was coming out of a session I felt more vulnerable than I have felt in a long time. I couldn’t stop crying, I made my way over to the Lake and watched the waves and reminded myself that the waves of emotions that were crashing over me would soon calm…
There is something about going into these emotions, fully feeling them without trying to stop them…Oh I tried to stop them every once in a while…texted a friend, tried to distract myself from the moment…but then I remembered this time many years ago when I was just learning about healing…
I was Quantum Leaping in consciousness, working, studying and doing healing during the day, doing dream work at night, taking massive amounts of herbs and fasting for body cleansing. Then one night I was in a deep meditation and I just sat up out of my body. I looked around the room and freaked out a bit when I looked back and saw my body…I then looked over at the phone and was thinking, “Who can I call to help me with this?” But then it dawned on me…you can’t use a phone when you don’t have a body…
Eventually I was able to settle myself back into my physical body…but that experience serves as a reminder to me…
Sometimes during this intense exploration of consciousness we go deeper than we have gone before. It might seem scary, it might seem like we need help. but these things we are experiencing…it is us exploring us…no other person is going to be able to guide you through your process…the best that can happen is you reach out to someone who can make you feel more at ease or calm you, but this time of learning…it’s something only you can do for you….and as terrifying as it might seem during the process, once the waves settle you come out with a greater clarity.
When I go through these intense sessions I am reminded of a poem by Maira Rainer Rilke
That some day, emerging at last from the terrifying vision
I may burst into jubilant praise to assenting angels!
That of the clear-struck keys of the heart not one may fail
to sound because of a loose, doubtful or broken string!
That my streaming countenance may make me more resplendent
That my humble weeping change into blossoms.
Oh, how will you then, nights of suffering, be remembered
with love. Why did I not kneel more fervently, disconsolate
sisters, more bendingly kneel to receive you, more loosely
surrender myself to your loosened hair? We, squanderers of
gazing beyond them to judge the end of their duration.
They are only our winter’s foliage, our sombre evergreen,
one of the seasons of our interior year, -not only season,
but place, settlement, camp, soil and dwelling.
During the process it seems like it will last forever and there is a fair amount of wanting it to end quickly but if you can remember that this is a time of deep learning and transformation. When you come out of this you will have a deeper understanding of what your truth is…a deeper clarity. So if in the midst of these stormy waves you can remember to breathe and pay attention to what is happening.
Today the storms have all past and I feel lighter and more clear than I have in a while. I look back on yesterday as a journey into dissolving the walls I had been building around my heart, that I didn’t even know were there…and I feel so grateful for the experience.